Carpe Diem
..I won't say that I totally believe in such a philosophy. Living for the moment can stretch to some undesirable ends.However, for the moment, it proves useful in removing the "haiz" element in my life. Comparing this space with zen's blog, I must say that his entries are largely painted with emotions. Mine carries a more serious tone, or so it used to.It is beginning to bear some resemblance.
Accoring to my seiko, its another 12 minutes to midnight. Who would be the first? Not quite like me to enjoy blessings of happy birthdays.Tsst. Anyway, I did started off the day with a great amount of energy. Thinking of how I can actually work towards some achievements. Guess what, it was a business plan that woke me up. I was thinking of how I can make use of my contacts overseas to deal a solid punch in establishing myself...But soon, I was thinking of her again. I have crossed the time limit of 2 days. Must admit I was kinda feeling blue initially. An honest piece of my uncensored mind has this:
I didn't really want the pact to materialise this time. It was so much harder to swallow for a number of reasons. No words of affirmation if good enough for me to assume she will be happy. On top of that, I think I have really really learnt to appreciate her.The real reason, I can't bear to do it. Just can't...
Well..its 12...damn I am 20 what the...
But really. Yar..like Tanya chua is singing on national tv now. "What are you waiting for?" I think what I have seen in wallaby is prove enough that life is fragile. So why not enjoy the moment while she is here. Live for the moment till the feeling fades such that it is prove I don't have the blessings of destiny. But hack. Thats far too serious for something really simple. Its not that difficult to be happy and make her happy. Just think of table hockey.
~Wonder who is your little prince...Must be a very cute fox~
Jumpstart
If there is one way of describing myself, the workings of an internal combusion engine probably suits me just fine. Feels like my pistons have ran out of timing and clashed. The result, an engine that has ran out of steam.
But fret not. I am not a gonner. This is just a temporary state of stasis.I don't even have to believe in it because I just know it. Soon, I will be all fired up again and running 220kph at gear 5. I must admit that I am truly grateful for having friends around me, who are sending seemingly meaningless msn pop-ups to my computer screen. Their words are cheerful and energetic, with a tincture of male naughtiness. They remind me who I am: their friend Kelvin. Someone who claims he is as constant as the northern light. The one who always knows what is best and whats not. The one who sometimes decides swiftly, and sometimes waste hours poundering over solutions. They remind me that I take pride in my social standing and view myself as the
alpha. Who cares about what others think. At this very moment, I can feel my ego taking form again, like the foam on top of a glass oh Heineken. Arh... Beer. Man's best friend?
There is no cause for worries. I am not drowning myself in sorrow. Beer is just a celebration of life. I choose to think of it as the hallmark of the
carpe diem mentality. There is no solution at the bottom of that beer mug, just a moment of happiness. Thats enough, even if you neglect the vitamin B, the alcohol which promotes blood circulation and the carbohydrates that helps recover a sense of general well-being.
The time is up. For 4 days, I have been in a dazy state of disillusion. Now its time to spring back into life. Someone once said I am mean to even myself, setting a time limit to my feelings. I maintain that it is actually better this way. Life goes on, and with the new year only 26 hours away, its time for new year's resolution.
1. Forget the fact that I am turning 20 and believe that I am still 18.
2.Begin learning my 4th language. Arabic was my third though I didn't excel in it.
3.Achieve a respectable social standing in my new school.
4.Visit Tibet
5.Double my net worth.
6.Be happy.
7. Bring happiness to the one angel in my life.
What is it that I have never achieved before? Except the BMW at 18.Damn I want a BMW... Boys are boys. Toys, girls,...toys.
Shooting stars
..actually don't work. I have wished upon at least a dozen of them for the same one wish. But sadly, it never worked. So much for trying, but I wish I was as resolute as before.There was a time when I scorn upon wishes. Then, it was my conviction that only actions work. I could have been firmer when I laid upon my BX, scanning the sea of stars for the streak of light that marks a shooting star. I remember the night with Nick at the outcrop of rocks, tracing out orion. That was November, when someone was hurting and I totally did not know. I thought, in childhood fantasy, that someone would see the same shooting star and receive my prayers.
And so Yuwen was correct. She said I sounded weak. But time have made me realise that strength is meaningless without courage.Resilience: The ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. Word for the day. The kick to start off tomorrow like a newborn. Where is the Atheist in me? The Roman general who had stregth. The non believer who always knows whats best.
I was doing all fine when someone else wasn't. The knowledge for which shakes me to sink into a dark age? Haha. Hell no.Guess the old rule applies. Two days to spring back into rythm and live like the champion again. It just drives me. Plus now, I secretly know that I am never alone.
This thought came to me when I was searching for my afternoon nap. When you go though pain, there is a point when even your heart gets numb. And so you say in challenge, come what may.Nothing stops me. Nothing stop us. Nothing gets in our way. It feels like its beyond all emotions.
When i finally read it
.. the blog that i have been secretly searching for the past year. The blog which I didn't know for sure exist. Yes I found it. And every word makes my heart ache in guilt for what I have caused.
(This active voice writing style brings back memories of zen's blog) I cannot help but imagine how you felt while typing away.
I will fly to you when you need me. Tear down every nickname or words which you dislike. I will write every single day as long as there is a comp around me and spill every minute of my boring day.
I live in memories too. Memories of you and me. Of us. I have never been more honest with you nor myself before. But tonight, the words just come flowing even though I was so lost. You believe in destiny. If this is a trick destiny is playing upon us, it is one nasty trick.I wish everyday was like the first day we saw each other.And while my words begin to lose coherence, my heart has found a path thats lighted. From here onwards, in this journey that I wish will last a lifetime, you words will lead me and I will do anything. Nothing is worth more than this.
The 40 steps to your doorstep have left their footprints in my heart, never to be washed away by any waves. I just pray, to whom i know not, that you sleep with a smile tonight, free from emotional whirlpool I have sent you into.
Why this nasty trick upon us... ...
Food for though.
It is almost christmas. Season of joy (my sister is disturbing my flow of thoughts...), giving, love, etc., you name it. Magically, the festive season brings along a subtle feeling of despair, like the after-taste of peach in a
scarlett o'hara. It starts with a christmas carol, a reminder that it is almost january again. Then a tinge of loneliness sinks in as you recall a simple 'hihi' ; a casual knock on the door a night ago. Or did it knock on the heart?
The Australia trip had cost me a great deal, in terms of daily habits. My daily work out routine is no where in sight these days. All it takes is one day of slacking off to blow away the momentum. As for my reading, I am having difficulty keeping up, partly due to succumbing to the simple pleasures of life. Games games and more games, what good do they do anyway. An overdose of it probably demeans whatever credit it claims for being a form of relaxation. What now? New year resolutions?
Poems
Been writing pictorial poems lately. Definitely more interesting than blogging.Check out
Here
Zen
There is always some point in time when you feel that the world is collapsing. When everything seems wrong. You can't conjure the words to express yourself and all you have is a vengeful spirit. You want to shout it out but you can't. You don't know what is wrong. Correction! You know what is wrong but you simply don't understand it. The stupiest insignificant events are sending you into a whirlpool. All of it doesn't make sense. You start to wonder how things can go so wrong. It feels like a nightmare. All you need to is to wake up.
The mediocre cries in suffering. I hear a distant calling. A sudden urge to reside in the devil seeps in. Human nature plays upon my mine. A desire for strength in the wake of confusion overcomes me. The devil in me awakes.Zen.
